Love of my life

Rokiah Binti Hamdan (1962-2005)

A great woman in my life is none other than my mother. Here's a story about my mum. She's beautiful, indeed. Born on 28th of August 1962, third among 4 siblings. I miss you mum.

Year 2004, you were infected with some unknown disease. Well, the doctor diagnosed you and found out that you were infected with SLE. That time, I really didn't know what would happen to us all. I thought it's just a common disease. In fact, you are getting better. Until you were diagnosed for kidney failure. That really struck me down morally. You are getting your regular dialysis at Normah Medical Centre, until that happened.

That night, I still recall dad told me to wake up and help him to get you to hospital. You were weak and barely conscious. We were rushing to the car, while dad carried you on his back. That time I was so afraid. The doctor said you are in coma. I'm lost.

Each day, I was hoping for you to wake up. Everyday after school, dad brought us to visit you. We were lucky to have relatives that do care about us. I'm thankful for their concern. Even Shahid's mum also there to take care of you. Someone that I never thought of being there for us. But she proved me wrong. I'm thankful of her being there for us. Shahid's family has been very good to us. I'll never forget this.

A month has passed since you were in coma. We received news for Nek Hussein passed away. My instincts told me that your time will soon come. Why do I have such thought ? I'm sorry. But, indeed it's true.

That evening I was with Iqbal and Shahid, doing our works for the PMR assignments. Not even a single thing crossed my mind that today was the last day for us. Friday, 5th of May 2005. Indeed it is Allah's will for me to know it. Usu Rayah was there to visit us while dad went to check on you.

And that very moment, I got a call from daddy. He told us that you have passed away. I don't want to believe it. Yes, I didn't cry because I thought he was lying to us. It's like dream, a nightmare. We went to the hospital, and there I saw you. You were smiling. I cried. I wish that moment never came to my life. But it did. You left us to answer His Almighty calling. He loves you more than us. I was morally down. I can't think of anything. The next day, I was there at the burial. I buried you with my own hands. I don't know, but I can't help it to cry down to my knees. I was speechless. Shahid, his dad and Iqbal went to visit us. They tried to comfort me. I knew no matter hard they tried, I kept on crying.

I still remember the night u fainted. I helped dad to carry you to the hospital. I was lazy in my study. I still remember your last words to me. Get a job, get a car, get a house and send you and dad for Haji, and then you can get married. Those words are your pray for me. For my life. I will hold on to that promise. What saddened me more is that during the burial, dad didn't have the chance to see you for the last time. I'm just a kid. I just listened to the elders and they said hurry up with the burial. How could they ??? At least wait until dad arrives. I blamed myself for not telling them to wait for dad. I'm sorry.

I knew that since then, I have to be strong for my brothers. For my dad. I would never leave his side. I won't. Dad was morally down. I never saw him in such condition. He really loved you. We were redha for your farewell.

Perhaps Allah wish to show us who is family, who is none. During the tahlil, I realized, our own relatives are taking advantage of us. Of your death. How could they ??? They were like celebrating your death. Astafirullahulazim. I'm just a kid to voice out such words. For 3 months, I can't focus on my study. I was lost. PMR was just around the corner that time. How can I focus if my mind is not there for learning. I love you mum. Allah showed to us the hypocrisy of the relatives. They outcast us, our family. I felt like we don't belong to them anymore. Things are way different since mum passed away.

That is the very reason my dad told me to go for RMC. I've got the chance to move on and get better life. Dad said, it is not running away. That is Hijrah. He said, there is nothing for me to wait here in Kuching. Just go for it and I did. It's what you want when I was in Form 1.

Now, we didn't contact our relatives from your side. They totally abandon us. Even Usu, she slowly brought up all the past deeds. That hurts. Clearly Allah showed us the real face of the family. Their real attitude. We were like being chased out from our own home. The very home the 4 of us grew up. Life is hard. But I will overcome it.

I missed you mum. How I wish things are differently now. I was sad when I saw the changes in the family. Even Usu tried to separate us. She once voiced out to take care of Amiran. But dad totally against it. I'm lucky dad was around. We do not want to be separated. We wish to grow up together as brothers. No more accepting deeds from other people. We're all lucky to have Mummy Enah. She reminds me of you. She took care of us. She really did. I love her as my mum. The same as I love you. I won't disappoint her. That is my promise to dad and myself. She helped us a lot.

I have promised to myself to take care of our family. I will lead my brothers. We all going to be successful person. From what I have seen, Usu has been very jealous of us. She even told us that we have forgotten her deeds to us. Crystal clear that is not sincere. We never forget. It's just we have all grown up and busy with our study. She seems to moving away from us slowly. She even disrespect dad. I didn't hate her but I hope she realized that not all she was right about everything.

How would you feel when someone closes to you, telling bad thing about your dad ??? Well, that is what I'm up against now. I'll prove them wrong. I'll prove her wrong. Just because she has wealth and high position, she expects us to bow down. Never !

If we want respect, we have to respect others first. Not by demanding it. 6 years has passed and she slowly shows her arrogant to us. It doesn't matter. Dad is a visionary. He planned us all to be in the same field. So that we would not left out each other. I will make his dreams come true. To ensure the name Arsyan will be known to all. A symbol for hope.

It's hard to accept the fact being abandon by the family and our relatives. Insyaallah, we will make our own league. The Al-Arsyan Family.

You taught us to recite Al-Quran, your reminded us of Solat and you told us to achieve success. All of that is still inside me. I won't turn my back on you.

The truth is, I missed you. Not a single day passed by without reminiscing that days. Each day, the moments of you passing away were still fresh in my mind. I barely remember dad's face when you passed away. Even the little Amiran understand it even though he was 6 that time. I still recall he said you went to see Allah. I'll take care of our new family. Thank you mum !